Parenting experts all agree: “Your children will always need you while they live under your roof - but how they need you will change over time." A problem we sometimes experience as parents is that we lock into one way of helping our children; one way that doesn’t alter as they mature. This can present a problem.
Take homework and study, for example:
A recent article in Education Week reported: “Researchers at the University of Eastern Finland and the University of Jyväskylä completed a longitudinal First Steps study which followed 1,800 students, born in 2000, through primary and secondary school. As part of the study, the researchers analysed each child's and their mothers’ interactions around homework, in relation to the children’s’ academic progress. The study revealed that overall, children benefitted from their mothers helping with homework, but the type of help mattered. Children whose mothers provided homework help when asked - but also gave students opportunities to work independently - both persisted at tasks longer, and did better in school over time. By contrast, mums who gave very concrete help - for example, sitting down every night to go over every assignment, even if the child had not asked for help - had children who were less persistent over time.”
What can we learn from this study?
Every interaction parents and teachers have with students sends a message to them. When mum or dad reviews every assignment and holds their child accountable in every way for each subject, they think they are being thorough, and intend to send the message: “I care about your success and want you to get good results.” In reality, these parents may be unwittingly sending the message: “You need me to get this work done. In fact, I don’t trust you’ll be able to accomplish this homework on your own without my help.”
When parents make themselves available but don’t impose their help; when they communicate with their children that they’re willing to help when needed, but they trust that their child is able to do it on their own - students start believing they can do it on their own. The message the child receives is: “Mum / Dad believe in me. They think I have what it takes to complete this task.”
The outcomes of the study showed that students began believing whatever mum believed - either they were able to do it on their own most of the time, or they were unable. This is of course a transition over time. As your son or daughter grows older, the scaffolding around homework and study should come down to allow them to become independent and resilient. It may involve some bruising from time to time as they stumble and learn from their mistakes.
What should we do?
I believe parents and teachers should consider what their words and actions communicate to students. What message might they receive by these actions? The key is to balance two important ingredients:
The truth is helping our young people can be a vicious cycle of reactions. When a child begins to see mum or dad hand-holding all the time, they can often disengage, feeling like their parent is going to “own” the task, freeing them from the responsibility. Sadly, when some parents see their child disengaging - they can become even more controlling. Both parties can be reacting to the other. I think one of the keys to building resilience and independence in our young people is to communicate that the homework, project or study belongs to them, not to you. This is not an easy journey but is worth it when you see them become more independent in their learning.
Dirk van Bruggen
Head of Senior Learning Community
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