Why are Teenagers so Emotional?

Why are many teenagers so emotional?

Not only are many of us as adults divided over our nation’s politics right now, expressing volatile emotions, but our young people are navigating extreme emotions at a high level. They often find it difficult to negotiate the alarming amount of information being provided to them; to navigate the connections they’ve made on social media and the pressure they feel socially, emotionally and academically.

I have recently been doing some reading on emotional intelligence and teenagers . The current trends indicate young people today have a more difficult time managing their emotions than in past decades. There may never be a more important time for us to develop emotional intelligence, than now.

Why do they cry?

Kids cry because they feel the innate need to express themselves. We all know that adolescents experience hormone changes during puberty and into their teenage years. Teenagers are prone to cry all through pre-adulthood. Obviously, emotions run higher in some young people than others.

Some young people cry naturally for reasons such as:

• Failure: They feel they’ve disappointed an adult;
• Opposition: They feel attacked by someone;
• Disappointment: They’ve been let down by someone;
• Fear: They get scared or don’t feel safe;
• Selfishness: They don’t get their way;
• Inadequacy: They don’t feel their emotions have been acknowledged.

Part of growing up is learning to manage emotions. This means performing the balancing act of allowing for emotions (on the one hand), but ensuring they are the “servant” not the “master,” when in inappropriate contexts. I remember being told “Boys don’t cry” when I was growing up. At the same time, I learned as an adult that strong men are able to express emotions in front of others, without communicating uncontrollable weakness. The key is emotional intelligence: the management of emotions.

Emotions in young children

Below are action steps we can use when helping young children handle emotions:

• Model how to handle emotion. Adults lead well when they set an example for emotional intelligence within their family or school;
• Acknowledge their tears. Many children have been damaged by adults who unwittingly communicate: Big boys don’t cry or it’s never right to shed a tear;
• Help them stay in their window of tolerance. This is not always possible, but do all you can to keep them in contexts where they can handle their emotions;
• Give them boundaries and stick to them. Communicate up front what’s acceptable behaviour, with or without emotions, and stay consistent;
• Offer them an appropriate way and place to express their emotions. If kids cry frequently, suggest a safe place where they can go;
• Remind them that emotions will pass. While it doesn’t solve the problem instantly, over time kids begin to realize that tears and crying come and go.

When tears are frequent, it can be a sign someone wants attention—even subconsciously. Be sure to not merely respond to crying fits with rewards to keep them calm. This sends the message that all they need to do is cry or complain to get something they want. If it happens incessantly, see a doctor to ensure a proper diagnosis.

Emotions in adolescents

With adolescents and young adults, the steps above can be relevant, but consider these as well:

• Stay calm. When a teenager is upset, it escalates when we meet emotion with emotion. Remain poised, let them collect themselves. It’s the best way to keep them engaged;
• Work to offer dignity not embarrassment. Always remember: avoid judging them for their reactions. Treat them with respect during a difficult interaction;
• Express empathy. “You know there was this time when I went through….. I can totally understand why you’d feel that way.”;
• Listen actively. Frequently, teenagers simply need to feel they’ve been heard in times of emotion. Look for non-verbal cues and secondary behaviour as they express themselves;
• Don’t try to soften the effect by using clichés, such as: “Well, at least you’re not living on the street” or “You’re lucky to still be around…” These feel like platitudes;
• Try to find out what they are angry about, disappointed by or afraid of before offering some action steps. Understanding paves the way to resolution.

Parenting is not easy, If it was the stress in families would be non-existent! As families grow and children move from being kids to young adults we all must adapt and travel the journey with them.

Ultimately the most important thing is: Be the parent and keep the communication lines open; no matter what they may do, or say.

Dirk van Bruggen
Head of Senior Learning Community